100 of Homer Simpson's most stupidly, hilarious quotes
May 12, Marks the 62nd birthday of four-fingered, donut-loving, beer-drinking, Springfield resident, Homer Simpson (believe it or not).
In season four episode Duffless, Homer Simpson's Date of Birth was revealed to be May 12, 1956.
Since first appearing on the small screen in 1989, the dull-witted antics of the family man have entertained millions of viewers the world over.
Ranging from genius to downright imbecilic, here are Homer Simpson's finest quotes.
“I’ve learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.”
"A gun is not a weapon, it's a tool, like a hammer or a screwdriver or an alligator."
"Weaseling out of things is important to learn; it's what separates us from the animals… except the weasel."
“Operator! Give me the number for 911!”
"If he's so smart, how come he's dead?"
"Marge, you know it's rude to talk when my mouth is full."
“My beer! You never had a chance to become my urine!”
"Stupidity got us into this mess, and stupidity will get us out."
"Trying is the first step towards failure."
“Oh yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?”
(Photo: 20th Century Fox)
"Kids, just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening."
"I wish God were alive to see this."
"Roads are just a suggestion Marge, just like pants."
"We can outsmart those dolphins. Don't forget – we invented computers, leg warmers, bendy straws, peel-and-eat shrimp, the glory hole, and the pudding cup."
"If it doesn't have Siamese twins in a jar, it is not a fair."
"I'm like that guy who single-handedly built the rocket & flew to the moon. What was his name? Apollo Creed?"
"If God didn't want me to eat chicken in church, then he would have made gluttony a sin."
"Volunteering is for suckers. Did you know that volunteers don't even get paid for the stuff they do?"
"Just sit through this NRA meeting Marge, and if you still don't think guns are great then we'll argue some more."
"When will I learn? The answer to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV!"
"Kids are great. You can teach them to hate what you hate and, with the Internet and all, they practically raise themselves."
"Oh, I have three kids and no money. Why can't I have no kids and three money?"
"I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here."
"I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman."
"Even communism works… in theory."
(Photo: 20th Century Fox)
"It’s so simple to be wise… just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it."
"Fame was like a drug, but what was even more like a drug were the drugs."
"English? Who needs that? I’m never going to England."
“I believe that children are our future. Unless we stop them now.”
"You can have all the money in the world, but there’s one thing you will never have… a dinosaur."
"You’re everywhere. You’re omnivorous."
"I never apologize… I’m sorry but that’s the way I am."
"I thought I had an appetite for destruction, but all I wanted was a club sandwich."
"I'll make the money by selling one of my livers… I can get by with one."
"Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover."
"Vampires are make-believe, just like elves, gremlins and Eskimos."
"I like my beer cold… my TV loud… and my homosexuals flaming."
"The problem in the world today is communication… too much communication."
"Marge, try to understand. There are two types of college students, jocks and nerds. As a jock, it is my duty to give nerds a hard time."
"If I could say a few words… I would be a better public speaker."
(Photo: 20th Century Fox)
"What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here anyway."
"A woman is a lot like a refrigerator: 6 feet tall, 300 pounds… it makes ice."
"To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems."
"I think the saddest day of my life was when I realised I could beat my dad at most things, and Bart experienced that at the age of four."
"Marge it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."
"Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races."
"Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed."
"Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use."
"Marge, your cooking only has two moves: Shake and Bake."
"If The Flintstones has taught us anything, it's that pelicans can be used to mix cement."
"Stupid sexy Flanders!"
"He’s about to learn the most important lesson in the music business: don’t trust people in the music business."
"As the Bible says, 'Screw that!'"
"You’ll have to speak up. I’m wearing a towel."
"Stupid family. Won’t even come to my Rapture. I went to Lisa’s play! Which had serious pacing problems."
"I hope I didn’t brain my damage."
"What are you guys laughing at? If you say Jimmy Fallon, I’ll know you’re lying."
"Overdue book? This is the biggest frame-up since OJ! Wait a minute. Blood in the Bronco. The cuts on his hands. Those Jay Leno monologues. Oh my god, he did it!"
"I was working on a flat tax proposal and I accidentally proved there’s no god."
"Why don’t those stupid idiots let me in their stupid club for jerks?"
"Oh, look! Pantyhose. Practical and alluring."
"Okay. I’m not going to kill you, but I’m going to tell you three things that will haunt you the rest of your days. You ruined your father. You crippled your family. And baldness is hereditary!"
"Marge, I can’t wear a pink shirt to work. Everybody wears white shirts. I’m not popular enough to be different."
"A boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid center."
"I’m really glad you corrected me, Lisa. People are always really glad when they’re corrected."
“'Do not touch Willie'. Good advice."
"You keep disappearing and reappearing and you’re not even funny. You’re just like that show Scrubs!"
"Why would women want to go to a gym if there were no men there watching them and judging them?"
"Sleeping bags on the floor, a roaring fire. It’ll be just like the time they kicked me out of the sporting goods store."
"But I thought bankruptcy was the cool law. The one that says, “Don’t worry about it. I got this.”
(Photo: 20th Century Fox)
"I guess some people never change. Or, they quickly change and then quickly change back."
"Bart, with $10,000, we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like… love!"
"Marge, don’t worry. It’s like when we stopped paying the phone bill. They stopped calling us. In fact everyone did."
"Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers."
"That’s it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I’m going to clown college!"
"I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around."
"You’re saying butt-kisser like it’s a bad thing!"
"Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true!"
"Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is another nail."
"It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day."
"All right, brain. You don’t like me and I don’t like you, but let’s just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer."
"I wonder where Bart is, his dinner’s getting all cold, and eaten."
"America’s health care system is second only to Japan… Canada, Sweden, Great Britain… well, all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don’t live in Paraguay!"
"I’m in no condition to drive…wait! I shouldn’t listen to myself, I’m drunk!"
"I can’t believe it! Reading and writing actually paid off!"
"I’m a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are."
"I saw this movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode! I think it was called, “The Bus That Couldn’t Slow Down.”
"How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?"
"Bart, a woman is like beer. They look good, they smell good, and you’d step over your own mother just to get one!"
"OK, son. Just remember to have fun out there today, and if you lose, I’LL KILL YOU!"
"Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman — and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing."
"Son, being popular is the most important thing in the whole world."
"Don't eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them."
"Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night."
"I am so smart, I am so smart, s-m-r-t....I mean s-m-A-r-t!"
"What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts."
"Simpson! Homer Simpson! He's the greatest guy in his-tor-y. From the, town of Springfield! He's about to hit a chestnut tree! Waaaah!"
"Aw, Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and old people are useless."