US election: Joe Biden's victory over Donald Trump was like watching a Scotland wonder goal – Susan Morrison
They say a week is a long time in politics. Well, four days is a heckuva long time when you are glued to CNN, BBC, ITN, NBC and Channel Four.
The US presidential election turned into one of those rugby Six Nations Scotland vs England games where Scotland is behind, but, astonishingly, just razor-thin and one score will put us on top.
Suddenly, people who know diddly-squat about rugby become not just rabid fans, but also experts in every nuance of the sport. The world was awash with experts in the voting patterns of suburban women in Suwanee, Georgia and the mail-in intentions of Maricopa County.
At the same time, Joe Biden started to resemble the Scottish national football team in just about every international championship. Almost inevitably there comes a moment when we say, well, yes, we lost against Andorra, but if we draw against Germany, beat Brazil 3-0, and Sweden descends into a catastrophic civil war and has to withdraw, then we might make it to the next round.
We all sat and watched Georgia, Arizona and Nevada, whilst the American news anchors held the fort and riveted our attention for two solid days whilst nothing happened as the votes of this huge country were counted.
There is something eerily alien about their newsreaders. Those smooth, unlined faces and the unwrinkled clothes. They look like Ken and Barbie dolls, kept in boxes till showtime, then neatly popped into place, head swiveled to the camera with just the correct mildly anxious expression.
By contrast, our lot look like a cheery bunch from a comprehensive with mums who spat on their hankies to wash their faces that morning and some of them could do with a comb through their hair.
And then suddenly, the great state of Pennsylvania announced that Joe was in the lead and given the amount of votes they had left to count, he was the winner. We all forgot about Arizona and the suburban women of Georgia. It was like Scotland scoring that last-minute goal.
On CNN the call was made by Wolf Blitzer, who I once thought was a character in the X-Men. Everyone on camera looked a bit stunned, then looked around the studio they had been trapped in for days with the sort of expressions you imagine on prisoners suddenly told they are free.
Of course, we’re not finished yet. Trump has gone Kong, Pense has gone AWOL and Giuliani’s gone to garden centres. All over America, lawyers are rubbing their hands with glee and ordering up much bigger Christmas trees than last year. The fees from the White House are going to be rich pickings.
Mr Biden seems like a decent cove, the sort of bloke who wants to sort a problem, not make it worse. He’s like those nice neighbours who have power tools, know how to use them and are more than happy to help you put shelves up. Right now, America needs a bit of that.
Of course, I am happy he won, but mainly because it means the President of the United States is once more older than me.
Turned the telly on last night. Good lord. Boris is at it again. For nearly a week I forgot we did politics, too.
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